The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More

“The fastest way to lose your peace of mind is to give someone a piece of yours.”

“Speaking directly doesn’t mean you lack empathy or consideration for the other person’s feelings. Being direct means that you have the self-assurance that you can respect the other person, as well as yourself, enough to communicate your needs openly without fear.”

“I’m attaching the contract,” or even “I attached the contract,” sounds more forward, more active, and more assertive. You’re leaning into your confidence by telling them what you’re doing and then doing it.”

“Stop carrying the weight of other people’s words. Stop attending every argument you’re invited to. If sports are your jam, just because they throw a pitch doesn’t mean you have to swing. Let it go by. Just because they hit it to your side of the court doesn’t mean you have to send it back over the net. Let it fall to the ground. There is no requirement, no compulsion, that just because they said something, you are obligated to say anything at all. “I just have to say…” No, you don’t. There’s nothing you have to say. There are only things you want to say. But who are you”

“This is also why overexplaining kills confidence. The more words you use, the less you actually say. Using too many words to say something small creates a big problem. The temptation to overexplain stems from the fear that the other person isn’t going to believe you (a social evaluation trigger). But the more words you use, the less believable you sound. The more words it takes to tell the truth, the more it sounds like a lie. The longer you talk, the more it sounds like you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“An easy exercise to help you find your personal values is to poll the person who knows you best, like a close friend, your partner, or a family member. Ask this person each of the following questions and write down their response. What do you think I find important in my life based on my daily conversations? What are three words you would use to describe my character to someone who doesn’t know me? What topics of conversation do I get most enthusiastic about? What quality is most important to me in the friendships I have? What emotion do you wish I’d show more of?”

“The first thing to know about standing up for yourself is when to do it, because not everyone is worth getting out of your chair for. It’s a know-your-worth mentality. Not everyone is worth your peace of mind. You have to know and consciously decide if the person standing in front of you is one who means something to you.”

“Confidence doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. It means you do it scared. Confidence doesn’t mean you’re always right. It means you tell them when you’re wrong. Confidence doesn’t mean you avoid mistakes. It means you embrace them.”

“When you learn not to attend every argument you’re invited to, you can prevent the wall from coming between you and the other person and preserve connection.”

“Transmission conveys information, but connection breathes life into it.”

“Yes, initial conversations, like meeting someone for the first time and making that first impression, are important. But it’s the next conversation that tests whether your first impression will remain a lasting one.”

“Dear God, give Jefferson wisdom and always be his friend.”

“This is your wake-up call. It’s time you take ownership of your words and realize that not everything that is said requires a response from you. Maybe you forgot, but you get to decide if what somebody says means anything to you. You get to decide whether you take what they did personally. You get to decide the weight or value that you put on their words. And too often what somebody says isn’t worth the paper if you wrote it down, yet you hold it and collect it. And before you know it, you’re carrying a bag of books.”

“Negative: “You’re impossible.” Positive: (Stand firm.) “I’m interested in a solution. If that’s not on the table, tell me now.”

“The more words you use, the less I want to listen and the less value your words have. But the fewer words you use, the more I want to pay attention and the more value each word holds. Each word has impact. When you flood the market of conversation with excessive words, you create a deficit of attention.”

“saying it for? Are you saying it to make a point? Or are you just saying it to be heard? Accountability of defensiveness means recognizing your impulse to point outward and choosing instead to point inward. I use the word choose because that’s what it is. It’s a choice. And that choice is yours.”

“You can change everything in your next conversation.”

“find the goal for your next conversation, try asking yourself questions like these: If I had to choose, what’s the one thing that I’d need them to understand? What small step can I take to show them that I heard them? What assumptions am I making? How can I show gratitude for this opportunity to talk? Is there a part of this that I’m trying”

“connect. Behind each rule are proven tactics you can use immediately.”