It's On Me: Accept Hard Truths, Discover Your Self, and Change Your Life
by Sara Kuburic
30 popular highlights from this book
Key Insights & Memorable Quotes
Below are the most popular and impactful highlights and quotes from It's On Me: Accept Hard Truths, Discover Your Self, and Change Your Life:
“Hard truth: if you're not honest about the story that got you here you'll never change the narrative.”
“When we lack self-understanding, we are more likely to choose a partner or relationship as a response to our wounds, insecurities, or modeled behavior.”
“We may not choose to be in a burning room, but our inaction, our neglect to extinguish the flames, becomes a decision.”
“Emotions Individuals who experience self-loss often struggle to self-regulate, self-soothe, or emotionally connect—they lack inner grounding. As a consequence, they begin to cope through mechanisms of avoidance, suppression, or escapism.”
“It’s possible to shatter a rock, and impossible to break water. Many people’s idea of the Self is like a rock. Something that must be formed, “set,” and unmovable. And yet, the Self is more like water—flowing, changing, navigating around the things in its path. Your fluidity is your power, not your weakness.”
“To summarize thus far, the Self entails three key ingredients: freedom, choice, and responsibility. We create our sense of Self with the choices we make, the sense of responsibility with which we approach our existence, and the way we use our freedom despite our constraints.”
“Expose your Self to life! Listen, I get it, I know how vulnerable and scary it can be. Trust your Self enough to sense your own resonance, to know what experiences you want to have and—as important—what experiences you don’t want. Trust yourself to make decisions that serve you. No one else can understand what it means to be you or live your life. It’s an intimate knowing that only you are privy to.”
“Entering a relationship means letting the others be themselves. Respecting them in their existence, allowing their existence to be in my existence. Giving them room and space to be in my life.”
“It often manifests as a go-getter mentality. You may clean constantly, belong to a bunch of clubs, strive for perfection (so no one can complain or fault you), stay distracted by constantly being “busy” in order to impress others and increase your value in their eyes. But you are functioning almost like a cog in a machine, acting, having little to no inner experience. You are so busy that you don’t interact with or respond to what is really going on for you. You become like a shell that has no concern for—or even awareness of—the animal that lives within it. If this coping mechanism could talk, according to Längle, it would sound something like: “I need to constantly be doing something visible in order to legitimate myself for others, so that I can live!” Instead of stepping back or tapping out, as we do when we distance our Self, this reaction sends us barreling forward, becoming more active as a way to cope with the threat. This is not that different from people-pleasing: It is focusing on, or conforming to, the other in order to avoid genuine encounters. We want recognition from others because we cannot offer it to our Self.”
“When we experience self-loss, we often don’t participate with intention or discernment, and, as a result, we struggle to defend or accept not just our circumstances, consequences, or responsibilities, but who we are.”
“What am I feeling? What are the emotions (plural!) that are present, and what are they communicating to me? Are there any contradictory emotions? What is my body telling me about how I feel?”
“It takes courage to be in the world—to actively engage with it moment to moment. It takes an incredible amount of courage to be your Self. I wonder what it would be like if we all, as a society, decided to appear rather than conceal or recoil. What would it be like to experience our Selves rather than carry the burden of our preconceived notions and expectations? What would it be like to let others see us, and be invited to see them? What would it be like if we all actually cared to truly see one another? What would it be like if we recognized that everything can tell us something both about it and about our Self?”
“Everything you encounter—a chair, a painting, a glass of water, a sunset, a conversation, a stranger on the subway, yourself in the mirror after a night without sleep—is a gateway to understanding not just your world, but your Self. Our job is to remain willing to be moved, struck, by these encounters (whether they are with people, things, or ideas) and to try to understand what each instance wants to tell us.”
“Längle speaks about phenomenology in terms of gaining a deeper understanding of the world by allowing it to sink in, allowing our Self to be touched, and by being open to everything the world shows us (a form of mindful openness). We can only do this when we look with “disarmed” eyes, without any defensiveness or motivation to use something or someone. In order for the understanding to deepen, we must go “inward” and be conscious of the impact it’s having on us, and then go back “outward” to see more. We simultaneously have to grasp the impression the “other” has on us and how the other person appears to us.”
“Emotions are like a tide that will go in or out regardless of your permission. But instead of fighting, swimming against the current, and being tossed by the waves, allow their power and movement to buoy you, to take you toward your Self.”
“I wanted to swim without getting wet. I wanted self-awareness without the effort of self-reflection. I wanted others to see me authentically, even though I was still struggling—and didn’t really want—to see myself. Turning toward is a kind of emotional connection that requires a vulnerability and a willingness to show our feelings, but it also requires the “other” to have the willingness to receive and encounter what is being shown.”
“Turning toward is also a way to offer and be offered approval, because it is a positive affirmation within itself. There is willingness and intention that is present with the motion; it’s like saying, “I am ready to set myself in motion and encounter you. What’s important to me is you!” It’s a form of self-transcendence, as well as a deeper embodiment of Self. In the process of turning toward someone, we can effectively determine if the relationship is valuable, and if we want to invest our time in it. Simply, it’s assessing our inner resources—our capacity to give time, closeness, and attention. When we turn toward something painful, such as grief, we evaluate whether we are able to cope with internal or external losses.”
“We transform one emotion into a more acceptable one. Example: We may transform our anger into anxiety. If we grew up in a family that was uncomfortable with anger, or if our partner becomes aggressive as a response to signs of frustration, we may have learned that anxiety is a less dangerous, or a more acceptable, emotion. Sometimes, that’s self-preservation. Other times, we are allowing our lack of self-awareness to confuse the people around us. We want them to “know” why we are upset without actually telling them. We transfer frustrations. Let’s say your boss yelled at you. You understand that yelling at your boss is not an option because it would result in being fired. So you suppress your feelings and then go home and yell at your boyfriend. This is, of course, unfair. You’ve transferred your frustration from one person or thing to another—one who (likely) doesn’t deserve it.”
“What beliefs about emotions are preventing me from embracing them? What is this emotion trying to tell me about myself? What is this feeling trying to tell me about the way I am engaging with others? How have I changed as a result of this feeling? What value is this emotion speaking to? What narrative am I holding on to? Why? Am I feeling more than one emotion?”
“Bottom line: In order to be our Self, we must feel. This is why we are all looking to experience something in our lives, regardless of whether we are seeking it on a date, in our careers, or through our children. Most of us are desperate to feel life, but also terrified by the prospect. So we often keep our Self at arm’s length. Some of us have chosen to remain lost—emotionally unavailable—because we are too scared to face what, and who, we will find inside ourselves. Others have made an unconscious habit of numbing their emotions by having a packed social calendar, religiously drinking that one glass (or bottle) of wine as soon as they get home, or depending on social media to take their minds off things. We may not be aware of it, but most of us run on emotional autopilot. Most of us have not been taught or encouraged to observe, validate, or express our emotions, so it’s not surprising that we don’t know the person that embodies them, or that we don’t enjoy living our lives.”
“There is sometimes too much emphasis placed on when, how, and why to cut people out of our lives, and I believe it’s important to acknowledge the types of people worth keeping close: People who tell us the truth People who encourage us People who model qualities we admire People who call us out (lovingly and respectfully) People who are willing to see us for who we are People who accept us People who respect us People who want what’s best for us”
“What habits did you adopt because of your surroundings? What habits do not support who you are and who you want to become? Do you have any habits that sabotage you or your growth? What habits nurture you? What habits are encouraged by others? What we do is who we become. Habits are tendencies or practices that can become automatic to us.”
“The act of living and creating our Self is inherently rewarding and fulfilling. And, in the same breath, such bravery—or, perhaps audacity—is often met with resistance, isolation, and grief. Every decision, even an authentic one, has a cost. This is why I want to normalize the price that comes with being your Self.”
“Appreciation is not the same as attention. We all (probably) know that being acknowledged—getting attention—isn’t the same thing as being valued. Appreciation is the step beyond mere acknowledgment. Once we are seen (truly seen), our inherent value also needs to be recognized.”
“We cannot expect attention without attendance. We must show ourself—our true Self—in order to be seen. If we are scared that there is “nothing” within us, we may desperately try to avoid having that reflected back to us. But the truth is, if we see “nothing,” then we are not looking at our Self. Instead, we’re probably blind to the Self—a thick veil of pain, denial, and failure prompting us to believe we’re hollow.”
“Inner consent is our willingness to say yes to life—saying yes to our thoughts, values, emotionality, who we are, what matters to us, our convictions, our personal uniqueness, our attitude, our purpose. It is the practice of tuning in and evaluating whether something aligns or is in harmony with who we understand our Self to be. When you look in the mirror, can you stand behind (and endorse) the person staring back at you and the way you show up from moment to moment? Can you feel at peace with your actions, even if others don’t like them? Are you living your truth? Are you inspired by the life you’re leading? Giving inner consent is a necessary, ongoing practice because our existence happens as an accumulation of instances. It’s not enough to just give our consent to a few big, life-altering decisions or events. If we don’t consent to life incrementally, it may be more difficult to consent to the life we are living as a whole.”
“As a result of not knowing who we are, we: Self-sabotage and hurt ourselves unintentionally. Struggle to identify and verbalize what we need, think, or how we feel. Find ourselves living a life that we don’t want or don’t find fulfilling. Prioritize others over ourselves. Stay in relationships that we are not meant to be in. Get caught in cycles of reenacting unhealthy patterns. Are unable to identify our purpose or direction in life. Fail at setting and maintaining boundaries. Are faced with a deep sense of unhappiness. Grapple with our self-esteem. Are constantly overwhelmed or disappointed by life. Find it hard, ultimately, to truly connect with, accept, and trust who we are.”
“We do not lose our Self without our permission or participation. We may not choose to be in a burning room, but our inaction, our neglect to extinguish the flames, becomes a decision. It may be our lack of awareness, a particularly unhealthy environment or relationship, or an old wound that drives the estrangement in the first place.”
“Self-loss, on the other hand, is often why we fail to communicate and set boundaries, why we hold on to beliefs that no longer serve us, why we struggle in relationships, why we are overwhelmed or scared to make decisions, why self-love is so goddamn difficult, and finally, why so many of us fail to find meaning and purpose in our lives.”
“Self-loss is what I believe to be at the core of so much of our human suffering. Although most of us can intuitively grasp what the phrase “self-loss” means, it’s likely that we’ve never heard of it or had it explained. Self-loss is our failed responsibility to BE our Self.”
