Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids

“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?”

“What do you want for your kids? And are you practicing these things in your own life?”

“children tend to be terrible at doing what we say but great at doing what we do.”

“Meeting your own needs for sleep, exercise, meditation, and time with friends is essential to living a happier life as a parent. Plus, you are modeling how to live life for your child.”

“The only way out of our difficult feelings is through.”

“What do you want for your kids? After you answer that, the big question becomes, Are you practicing these things in your own life?”

“aversion leads to fear; fear leads to hatred; hatred leads to aggression. Unwittingly, the oh-so-natural instinct to avoid the unpleasant becomes the root of hatred. It leads to war: war within, war without.” —Stephen Cope”

“practice. Mindful Acknowledgment with Children I see this scene often: a child comes to a parent visibly upset. The parent wants to make the child feel better, so he skips right to trying to fix her problem. It usually sounds like, “Why don’t we…,” or “You can just instead.” A solution is offered and the problem is solved…right? Yet with this response, parents have just missed a potent opportunity to connect. They’ve skipped over the powerful step of acknowledgment—recognizing what’s happening for the child in that moment. Acknowledgment shows that we are seeing and accepting the truth or existence of something, such as the child’s hurt feelings.”

“We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”

“Saying yes to play with your child doesn’t have to be onerous or take up a lot of time. In fact, kids are often ready to move on after just a short while. Set a timer for ten minutes and dive in whole-heartedly for that time.”

“We can’t put up the walls of a house without a foundation. Our intentions form the foundation of our communications. To shift our language, we have to shift our intention. Let’s be real: in our interactions with our kids, we’re usually trying to manipulate them—to make them do something. We need to change our way of thinking, from changing the other to expressing our own unmet needs. This is where the mindfulness training comes in hand—to help us become more aware of what’s happening under the surface. Whatever the situation, we can get curious about the unmet needs underneath. When we drop to this deeper level, compassion for ourselves and for our children arises. We can express ourselves with an intention of curiosity and care—for both ourselves and the other.”

“Mindful Parents practice self-compassion and see their challenges as teachers, not flaws.”

“kids. This is one of the reasons why the “self-sacrificing parent” idea is so insidious. When we constantly sacrifice our own needs in favor of our children’s, we all lose. Our children lose out by having an ungrounded parent who is frequently on the brink of collapse. We lose out on enjoying our life and our children. We also perpetuate this harmful pattern—effectively passing the buck to the next generation.”

“Treat a child as though he already is the person he’s capable of becoming.”

“When we’re not meeting our own needs, we have nothing to give.”

“and specific about our praise. For example, instead of “You are such a good girl helping Mommy!” you could say “I really feel good when I see you helping to clear the table.” When I see my girls at the bus stop, I usually say, “I’m so happy to see you!” right away rather than peppering them with questions about the school day.”

“For instance, when your child leaves a backpack in the middle of the hallway, you are the one who has the problem. It’s not a problem to your child. It’s your need to enjoy a tidy home that is not being met. Other times, your child might have an issue—an argument with a friend at school, for instance—that is not your problem.”

“We often try to control our children’s feelings and behavior when actually it is our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behavior.”

“parental presence is key to optimizing the chance of your child having a life of well-being and resilience.”

“Six months with a preschooler can be more effective than years alone on a mountaintop.”

“research has shown that a child who does chores has a greater chance of success later in life!”

“When we become parents, we often see ourselves as our children’s teachers, but we soon discover that our children are our teachers as well.”

“when our children come to us with a problem, they want to be heard, understood, and accepted. We can demonstrate that we hear them through reflective listening—reflecting back the content and the feelings behind what they said. You could say something like: “Oh, honey, you’re really feeling bad! It’s no fun on the playground at all right now.” This acknowledges what’s going on and opens the door for the child to talk a little more. You’re now accepting the child’s feelings. This kind of empathetic response is sometimes called “active listening.” It’s also called “emotion coaching,” because it helps children learn to regulate their own emotions.”

“the most successful kids started doing chores at three to four years of age, whereas those who waited until their teen years to start doing chores were less successful.”

“a clear I-message has three parts: a nonblameful description of the behavior, the effects it has on you, and your feelings.”

“Reflective listening also works with infants and preverbal children. Imagine your baby is crying. You might say, “Don’t cry. Hush. It’s all right,” sending the message that the baby’s feelings are unacceptable. Instead, you could say, “Oh, you’re really upset. Let’s see what’s going on.” This acknowledges the baby’s reality. You’ve recently fed her, so you check the diaper, and yep. “This yucky diaper doesn’t feel very good at all, does it?” Again this acknowledges what is going on for the child and how she might feel. The words show acceptance, while the unskillful “don’t cry” language doesn’t. Your soothing voice and empathetic face also acknowledge her reality and let you connect emotionally. And when you do this with your baby, you practice skillful language that you’ll take into the future with your child.”

“With mindfulness meditation, our reactive responses to stress can be superseded by more thoughtful ones.”

“connect: stop what you’re doing, get down to his level, look your child in the eyes, then share your message. Write down this mantra: Connect, then correct.”

“Kids receive an I-message as a statement of fact about what the parent is feeling, so it causes less resistance.”

“Our own self-regulation is the hardest work any of us do, and it is the most essential ingredient to raising peaceful siblings.”