Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again

“Having a secret is isolating.” Try, as much as possible, not to hide your flaws or perceived differences.”

“You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.”

“We grow up accustomed to certain roles and certain ways of being perceived. If we grow up in a family in which we are abused, neglected, yelled at, constantly criticized, or dominated, then that is the environment that feels most comfortable to us. Unhealthy as it may be, most people seek and create environments that feel familiar and similar to the ones where they grew up.”

“Try to respect the reasons your lifetrap developed in the first place. In your childhood, it was essential for your emotional survival. But what was once a help to you is now hurting you, and it is time to give it up. It is time for you to begin the slow journey out of self-denial and self-defeat, and to reclaim your life for yourself.”

“You probably accept a subordinate role in your relationships with family members, lovers, and friends. Undoubtedly this gives rise to anger (although you may not be aware of it). You like the security of these relationships, but you feel angry toward the people who provide it.”

“Christine is too independent. No matter how anxious she feels, she forces herself to face things alone. This tendency to go to the other extreme—to act as though she does not need anybody for anything—is called counterdependence, and is a strong indication of the presence of the Dependence lifetrap.”

“Your basic sense of people is that they are out to hurt you and secretly enjoy your suffering. It is the emotional tone of your relationships—the feeling that surrounds you when somebody gets close.”

“Many people who have the Dependence lifetrap also have the Abandonment lifetrap. In fact, it is difficult to imagine a person having the Dependence lifetrap and not having the Abandonment lifetrap. People who have the Dependence lifetrap believe that they cannot survive alone. They need a strong figure to guide and direct them through the activities of day-to-day life. They need help. Abby is an example of a person who has both lifetraps.”

“You feel that you cannot shape the course of events in your life. You feel trapped by circumstances or swept along by fate. Rather than an actor, you are a reactor. You feel there is little you can do to solve your problems.”

“Once you can open yourself up to the idea that your defectiveness is not a fact, the healing process can begin to work.”

“Often there are sexual difficulties. In addition, as the years pass, you may grow and develop a stronger sense of identity. If you become more assertive and no longer willing to stay in a subjugated relationship, your relationship must either change to adapt to your greater maturity or it must end.”

“You feel like all you can get is what other people deign to give you. You don’t go after what you want.”

“When we Surrender, we distort our view of situations to confirm our lifetrap. We react with strong feelings whenever our lifetrap is activated. We select partners and enter situations that reinforce our lifetrap. We keep the lifetrap going.”

“Your parents’ love for you was conditional on your meeting high standards. 2. One or both parents were models of high, unbalanced standards. 3. Your Unrelenting Standards developed as a way to compensate for feelings of defectiveness, social exclusion, deprivation, or failure. 4. One or both parents used shame or criticism when you failed to meet high expectations.”

“Dependent people often allow themselves to be abused, subjugated, or deprived in order to maintain the dependence. They will do almost anything to keep the person with them.”

“You must throw your whole being against the lifetrap—your thoughts, feelings, and behavior.”

“Someone in your family seemed to get pleasure from seeing you suffer.”

“1. Self-Sacrifice (subjugation out of guilt) 2. Submissiveness (subjugation out of fear)”

“He criticizes himself in front of others. When people are nice to him, he distances or somehow undermines the relationship. Alex tries to maintain the status quo. When the environment becomes too supportive, he alters the situation so he can go back to that comfortable state of shame and dejection. If he feels superior or equal for a moment, he somehow manages to return to a lesser position.”

“Eventually, no matter how perfect we try to be, we are going to fail at something.”

“[On emotional deprivation:] Avoid cold partners who generate high chemistry. This is that simple rule that is so hard to follow. Do not get involved with depriving partners. The rule is so hard to follow because these are precisely the partners who attract you most. We often give patients this rule-of-thumb: If you meet someone for whom you feel a high degree of chemistry, rate how much chemistry on a 0 to 10 scale. If you rate the person a 9 or 10, then think twice about becoming involved with this person. Occasionally, such relationships work out, after a great deal of turmoil. But, more often, the strong chemistry you feel will be based on lifetraps that they trigger in you, rather than positive qualities that will make the relationship last.We are not saying that you have to settle for spending the rest of your life with a partner who only generates a responses of 0-5 in you. We feel that there has to be some chemistry for the relationship to work. But, if there is only romantic chemistry, it almost certainly will not work in the long run. There are plenty of 6’s, 7’s, and 8’s out there. One of them might bring you the deep fulfilment of an intimate, loving relationship, perhaps for the first time in your life.”

“On unrelenting standards: You may have a less severe form of Achievement Orientation. Perhaps the balance between work and play is slightly off in your life. You cannot really relax, but at least your life is not totally consumed with work. And you may be a workaholic about things other than your job. It may be decorating your house, shopping for clothes or sales, or hobbies and sports. It could be anything – any form of activity that you turn into work and that enslaves you.”

“You have to face the lifetrap head-on and understand it. Change also requires discipline. You have to systematically observe and change behaviors every day. Change cannot be hit-or-miss. It requires constant practice.”

“[On unrelenting standards:] Let go of your need for perfect order, achievement, or status in exchange for a higher quality of life and more fulfilling emotional relationships with the people you love.”

“ Steps to changing your subjugation lifetrap14. Make flashcards. Use them to keep you on track.When you find that you are having trouble, use flashcards. A flashcard can remind you of your right to be assertive. Here is an example of a flash card related to submission:What I what is important. I deserve to be treated with respect. I don’t have to let them treat me badly. I deserve better than that. I can stand up for myself. I can calmly demand they treat me with respect or the discussion is over. If they can’t grow enough to give me my equal rights in this relationship, then I can leave the relationship and find one that betters suits my needs. Carry the flashcard with you. When your lifetrap is triggered, and it is time for you to be assertive, take out the card and read it. Flashcards are valuable in making the slow transition from intellectual understanding to emotional acceptance.”

“Changing unrelenting standards1. List the areas in which your standards may be unbalanced or unrelenting.2. List the advantages of trying to meet these standards on a daily basis.3. List the disadvantages of pushing so hard in these areas.4. Try to conjure an image of what your life would be like without these pressures.5. Understand the origins of your lifetrap.6. Consider what the effects would be if you lowered your standards about 25 percent.7. Try to quantify the time you devote to maintaining your standards.8. Try to determine what reasonable standards are by getting a consensus or objective opinion from people who seem more balanced.9. Gradually try to change your schedule or alter your behaviour in order to get your deeper needs met.”

“Carlton is married and has two small children. He is what you might call henpecked. Erica, his wife, is very demanding. He tries to make her happy but seldom seems to succeed. She makes all the decisions about the family. He has difficulty setting limits with his children. Whenever he tries to discipline them, he feels guilty. He works in the textile business started by his father. Although he never wanted to work in his father’s business, he is resigned that it is what he has to do. He does not enjoy his work. Carlton feels trapped in his life. He has started therapy because he is depressed. Sometimes he dreams of running away to a different place and becoming whatever he wants to be.”

“[On emotional deprivation:]Avoid cold partners who generate high chemistry. This is that simple rule that is so hard to follow. Do not get involved with depriving partners. The rule is so hard to follow because these are precisely the partners who attract you most. We often give patients this rule-of-thumb: If you meet someone for whom you feel a high degree of chemistry, rate how much chemistry on a 0 to 10 scale. If you rate the person a 9 or 10, then think twice about becoming involved with this person. Occasionally, such relationships work out, after a great deal of turmoil. But, more often, the strong chemistry you feel will be based on lifetraps that they trigger in you, rather than positive qualities that will make the relationship last.We are not saying that you have to settle for spending the rest of your life with a partner who only generates a responses of 0-5 in you. We feel that there has to be some chemistry for the relationship to work. But, if there is only romantic chemistry, it almost certainly will not work in the long run. There are plenty of 6’s, 7’s, and 8’s out there. One of them might bring you the deep fulfilment of an intimate, loving relationship, perhaps for the first time in your life.”

“[On unrelenting standards:] You may have a less severe form of Achievement Orientation. Perhaps the balance between work and play is slightly off in your life. You cannot really relax, but at least your life is not totally consumed with work. And you may be a workaholic about things other than your job. It may be decorating your house, shopping for clothes or sales, or hobbies and sports. It could be anything – any form of activity that you turn into work and that enslaves you.”