Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

anxiety. It’s often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive.

The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you’ll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It’s your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses.

We don't naturally fall into perfect relationship; we create them

Focusing on how others might respond is one way we ruminate, which impacts our ability to act.

Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you. I constantly work with my clients to depersonalize events and interactions with others. When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us.

How they treat you is about who they are, not who you are.

Tell people what you need.

Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me.

The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.

Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.

We can’t create more time, but we can do less, delegate, or ask for help.

Defensive people aren’t listening while you’re talking; they’re personalizing what you say and crafting a response. Their response has much more to do with them than it does with you. They are focused only on getting their needs met and resisting any change in your dynamic. But healthy relationships are not one-sided. The needs of both individuals are equally important.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

Friends are your chosen family, and these relationships should bring ease, comfort, support, and fun to your life—not excess drama.

Those of us who are people-pleasers assume that others won’t like it when we advocate for what we want. Therefore, we pretend to go along in an effort to be accepted by others. But healthy people appreciate honesty and don’t abandon us if we say no.

Discomfort is a part of the process.

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

Of course we have no way of knowing how someone else will respond to our assertiveness. When someone has a history of rage and anger, it’s understandable that we would avoid setting limits with that person. But we victimize ourselves further when we let our fear prevent us from doing what we need to do.

To determine if your expectations are reasonable, consider this: 1. Whose standard am I trying to meet? 2. Do I have the time to commit to this? 3. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this? 4. How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

Assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can't read your mind.

We can be traumatized by what we observe someone else experience

It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior. You have a new goal and a new plan, but you haven’t changed who you are.—James Clear

It may be hard to just listen without offering advice as people share their problems, but this is often the best support we can give.

We simply can’t have a healthy relationship with another person without communicating what’s acceptable and unacceptable to us. If we aren’t proactive about this in our relationships, we can be sure the other person will set their boundaries.

People who have been abused find it especially challenging to believe that others will be willing to meet their expectations.

When you’re manipulated into believing that the abuse was your fault, it’s a boundary violation. Regardless of the reason behind the abuse, it’s never okay for someone to abuse you.

I wasn’t helping people by “fixing” them. I was getting in the way of them doing the work that they needed to do for themselves.

avoidance is a fear-based response.