The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering.”

“Psychological flexibility is the ability to adapt to a situation with awareness, openness, and focus and to take effective action, guided by your values.”

“The mind loves telling stories; in fact, it never stops.”

“In ACT, our main interest in a thought is not whether it’s true or false, but whether it’s helpful; that is, if we pay attention to this thought, will it help us create the life we want?”

“Basically, expansion means making room for our feelings. If we give unpleasant feelings enough space, they no longer stretch us or strain us.”

“Thus, evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, and criticize ourselves, to focus on what we’re lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!”

“A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.”

“Commitment” means that when you do (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings, and carry on in the direction you want to go.”

“Having negative thoughts and feelings means I’m a normal human being.”

“So here is the happiness trap in a nutshell: to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings, but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create.”

“the things we generally value most in life bring with them a whole range of feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant. For example, in an intimate long-term relationship, although you will experience wonderful feelings such as love and joy, you will also inevitably experience disappointment and frustration. There is no such thing as the perfect partner and sooner or later conflicts of interest will happen.”

“Therefore, it makes sense to put your life’s energy mainly into action and attention.”

“Myth 1: Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings”

“Unfortunately, many people walk around with the belief that everyone else is happy except for them. And—you guessed it—this belief creates even more unhappiness.”

“A value is a direction we desire to keep moving in, an ongoing process that never reaches an end.”

“Mindfulness + Values + Action = Psychological Flexibility”

“Myth 2: If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective”

“So what would life be like if you were to let go of self-esteem altogether;”

“The observing self, though, is incapable of boredom. It registers everything it observes with openness and interest. It’s only the thinking self that gets bored, because boredom is basically a thought process: a story that life would be more interesting and more fulfilling if we were doing something else. The thinking self is easily bored because it thinks it already knows it all. It’s been there, done that, seen the show, and bought the T-shirt. Whether we’re walking down the street, driving to work, eating a meal, having a chat, or taking a shower, the thinking self takes it all for granted. After all, it’s done all this stuff countless times before. So rather than help us connect with our present reality, it “carries us off” to a different time and place. Thus, when the thinking self is running the show, we spend most of our time only half awake, scarcely aware of the richness in the world around us.”

“A rich and meaningful life is created through taking action. But not just any action. It happens through effective action, guided by and motivated by your values. And in particular, it happens through committed action: action that you take again and again, no matter how many times you fail or go off track.”

“it’s pretty well impossible to create a better life if you’re not prepared to have some uncomfortable feelings. However,”

“There’s an ancient Eastern saying: “If you don’t decide where you’re going, you’ll end up wherever you’re heading.”

“To get to the values underlying a goal, you need to ask yourself, “What’s this goal in the service of? What will it enable me to do that’s truly meaningful?”

“So by all means, have your beliefs—but hold them lightly. Keep in mind that all beliefs are stories, whether or not they’re “true.”

“The Illusion of Control”

“Suppose magic happens, so that all your difficult thoughts and feelings become like water off a duck’s back; they lose their power over you; they no longer bring you down or hold you back… What projects, activities, or tasks would you start, resume, or continue? What or who would you stop avoiding? What would you start doing or do more of? How would you treat yourself differently? How would you treat others differently, in your most important relationships?”

“A: Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. C: Connect with your body. E: Engage in what you’re doing.”

“The thinking self is rather like a time machine: it continually pulls us into the future and the past. We spend a huge amount of time worrying about, planning for, or dreaming of the future, and a huge amount of time rehashing the past. This makes perfect sense in terms of evolution. The “don’t get killed” device needs to plan ahead and anticipate problems. It also needs to reflect on the past, to learn from it. But even when our mind is thinking about the here and now, it’s generally being judgmental and critical, struggling against reality instead of accepting it. And this constant mental activity is an enormous distraction. For a huge part of every day, the thinking self completely diverts our attention from what we’re doing.”

“First, be wary of holding on to any belief too tightly. We all have beliefs, but the more tightly we hold on to them, the more inflexible we become in our attitudes and behaviors. If you’ve ever tried having an argument with someone who absolutely believes they are right, then you know how pointless it is—they will never see any point of view other than their own.”

“To make a gross generalization, men are much worse than women at admitting their deepest concerns because men are taught to be stoic, to bottle up their feelings and hide them. After all, big boys don’t cry. In contrast, women learn to share and discuss their feelings from a young age. Nonetheless, many women are reluctant to tell even their closest friends that they are feeling depressed or anxious or not coping in some way, for fear of being judged weak or silly. Our silence about what we are really feeling and the false front we put on for the people around us simply add to the powerful illusion of control.”