The Sovereign Child: How a Forgotten Philosophy Can Liberate Kids and Their Parents

“Finally, a common argument for addiction is that, when kids get irritable and restless when their screens are taken away, this is evidence that they are going through withdrawal. But I get irritated when the power goes out, not because I’m addicted, but because I need electricity in order to pursue my interests. What’s more, if another person switches off my power just to thwart me, I might erupt into a full-blown rage.”

“Medicalizing dopamine as a trigger for disease makes people feel needlessly guilty and gives busybodies a license to stop people from having fun, ostensibly for their own good.”

“Solving a jigsaw puzzle is essentially one single, inert problem. In contrast, an episode of Peppa Pig is a thousand dynamic problems.”

“Valorizing boredom is the other half of the Greedy Child Fallacy.”

“It commits the common error of only looking at the behavior and ignoring the reasons that cause the behavior.”

“I repeatedly use electricity, but I’m not hooked on it. I depend on it economically, not chemically.”

“Taking your kids seriously gives them reasons to take you seriously as well.”

“How many people have been turned off from the classics because they were forced to read them when they were young?”

“Since we can’t distinguish cheap, damaging pleasure from wholesome, healthy pleasure, we don’t have a theory about dopamine addiction at all.”

“One reason that this prejudice against virtual experiences carries weight is because it’s such a useful tool for control.”

“The truth is that when kids are pursuing their interests, they are always learning, even if adults can’t see it.”

“We all know the stereotype of the kid who spends too many hours staring at a tablet—isolated and withdrawn, distracted, unable to put the device down, and irritable when separated from it.”

“Moral panics in the 1900s began with radio, then dime novels, television, comic books, rock and roll, video games, the Walkman, rap music, and topped off with the internet. In the twenty-first century, it’s social media, YouTube, online games, and smartphones. So far.”

“People may spend a lot of time on various digital platforms, so much so that their friends and family get worried, but time spent on something doesn’t unto itself indicate a problem.”

“We see this phenomenon routinely depicted in stories and movies about childhood fascinations that are at first dismissed by adults, only later to be taken seriously when the adults see what the child has discovered. In these stories, there is often one very special adult character who acts as the child’s mentor and guide, giving them support and confidence that there is indeed something worth looking for. My goal is to be that character as my kids explore the world.”

“This book is not opposed to rules. On the contrary, systems of rules that attract willing participants, such as the rules of grammar or conventions of courtesy, also known as institutions, are among the most important of human discoveries. In fact, a major problem with enforcing arbitrary rules is the damage this does to a child’s engagement with our greatest institutions.”

“This is the ultimate rationale for controlling children. It denies that they are people with interests, motivations, and values and falsely assumes that they are mere slaves to the chemical processes in their brains.”

“Unfortunately, given the stigma of addiction, it is frequently used as a smear tactic. Climate activists say we’re addicted to fossil fuels, urban planners say we’re addicted to cars, and health counselors say we’re addicted to fast food. Exaggeration is fine, except when it is used to justify limiting others’ freedom because they supposedly can’t help themselves.”

“But parents thought the same about books when novels reached mass audiences in the 1700s and 1800s. Biographies of Abraham Lincoln describe his father’s anger at young Lincoln’s obsession with books, which his father perceived as causing laziness and sloth.”

“If, for example, your phone buzzes when someone likes your Facebook post, the amount of dopamine that surges in your brain will depend on what you think about the person who liked the post, how proud you are of that particular post, and the reasons you had for composing it. A like from a respected friend about something you care deeply about will produce more dopamine than a like from a mere acquaintance about something you posted in passing.”

“The emotional lives of cartoon characters are often so thin that they seem superficial and annoying to adults, but kids are seeing these for the first time. For them, the depth may be just right. How do we know? Because kids are glued to the screen! A kid’s interest is the prime indicator that the content is generating thought and learning.”

“The biggest difference between our household and other households is how our kids eat, sleep, and use screens. At first glance, screens don’t seem as fundamental as food and sleep, but they are—perhaps even more so.”

“Perhaps they are scared or even have primitive fears about abandonment. Who knows? And who knows if an infant left to cry it out might form some long-lasting ideas about how (un)reliable their parents are? I wouldn’t want to take a chance.”

“This is what childhood is for: the freedom to explore the world, discover and pursue passions, and generally “waste time” playing and daydreaming. Why would we want to limit that to the weekend?”

“Scaring kids about drugs didn’t work, but chemical dependence on drugs is at least real. Dopamine dependence is not.”

“The king fallacy at work here is the idea that kids gravitate toward drivel, that they prefer nonsensical garbage over substantive content.”

“Boredom is bad for the same reasons pain is bad. Both indicate suffering.”

“Just because kids have free rein doesn’t mean parents are their slaves. When I feel like going to sleep, I tell my kids that I’m tired and that I don’t feel like playing with them anymore.”

“My kids love YouTube, especially my son.”