Allie and Bea

“They reminded her what it meant to allow someone into your life. You see something you like in a man, so you ask him in, but what comes in is all of him. Not only the parts you took a liking to, but the many parts that don’t fit with you at all. That’s always the way it worked.”

“That’s how most of the last fifty years of my life disappeared, even though I didn’t know it before now. And believe me, that’s all it takes. One little kiss and then you’ve thrown your lot in with someone, and your whole life has to be built around him. And all the parts of you that don’t fit with him have to go into hiding, and all the ones that do have to come to the surface and act like they’re the whole of you. The”

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

“Her body felt like a giant bag of lack. Lack of motivation. Lack of strength. Lack of rigidity. Lack of caring.”

“They had shopping carts full of food and toys, but they looked bored and unhappy. How could a person go to the store, buy everything she needed—and wanted, from the look of some of those carts—and still seem dissatisfied? What more did they need to be happy, then? If all this wouldn’t do it?”

“Finance seems pretty real.”“Well, it’s not. Let me tell you. It’s not. It’s just a value we agree to put on things. It used to be numbers on a piece of paper. Now it’s numbers in digital memory.”“But the numbers represent real money. Right?”“There is no real money. Not anymore. The banks just make it up. We just create these numbers, more and more with every year that goes by. We use the numbers to keep some people up and other people down. Used to be there was a gold standard, but you’re too young to remember that. The government used to own gold, and paper money represented it. But what does it represent now?”

“You see something you like in a man, so you ask him in, but what comes in is all of him. Not only the parts you took a liking to, but the many parts that don’t fit with you at all. That’s always the way it worked.”

“It’s just communication with other humans, and I don’t know why everyone is so afraid of it.”

“Bea was careful to stare down at her beer bottle as she spoke. When she was done the silence reigned again. Bea did not dare look up to see how her admission had been received. She saw one of the men get up from his barstool, but she didn’t look over. She could hear someone moving about the room, but did not turn her head to investigate”

“How could a person go to the store, buy everything she needed—and wanted, from the look of some of those carts—and still seem dissatisfied? What more did they need to be happy, then? If all this wouldn’t do it?”

“They reminded her what it meant to allow someone into your life. You see something you like in a man, so you ask him in, but what comes in is all of him. Not only the parts you took a liking to, but the many parts that don’t fit with you at all. That’s always the way it worked”

“I had all these hours that added up to all these days, and I look back and it seems my goal was mostly to make them go away. But that’s not a proper life. That’s not really living. Why didn’t I take up oil painting, or learn to play the flute or something?”

“Debt is a terrible, terrible thing. Somehow they’ve got us all primed to accept it. They’ve taught us it’s part of the American dream or some such nonsense. But it keeps you in chains. The deeper in you get, the more money they make off your misfortune, and the deeper in you get.”

“You see something you like in a man, so you ask him in, but what comes in is all of him. Not only the parts you took a liking to, but the many parts that don’t fit with you at all.”

“Maybe because if we cared that much about everything, all the time, all at the same time like that, we’d die of exhaustion. We’d have no time or energy left to run our own lives.”

“Seems all my life I had to make choices between what I considered wasting money and what I now see was wasting my life. If it keeps you from wasting your life, it can’t very well be a waste, now can it?”

“I had all these hours that added up to all these days, and I look back and it seems my goal was mostly to make them go away. But that’s not a proper life. That’s not really living.”

“It might be an age thing. I think we get to a certain age where enough of people and their ugly trappings is enough.”

“Let’s say you were starving. You were going to die any day of starvation. Would you go into a supermarket and steal a can of tuna?” “I’m a vegan.” “Nobody’s a vegan when they’re starving.”

“But there was a definite sense that all bets were off now. The line she had so carefully toed all her life was just a smudge in the dirt behind her. Bea did not feel inclined to look back. Life was new. Not good. Just new.”

“foster”

“She thought about the rifles and the dead animals in the living room, and the vote of no confidence in cats. They reminded her what it meant to allow someone into your life. You see something you like in a man, so you ask him in, but what comes in is all of him. Not only the parts you took a liking to, but the many parts that don’t fit with you at all. That’s always the way it worked.”

“...I made him my whole world. And so my world was always too small. Then when he died, I didn’t know what my world was anymore. I wasn’t even sure I had one.”

“Without hesitation. Without creating a gap that doubt can wedge its way into, to create an even greater hesitation.”

“Somehow Bea knew the key would have to be an utter lack of preparation. Of anticipation. Once she allowed space for doubt, she would never overcome it.”

“But people can change. And sometimes they can change because of what they see in you. The way you are can inspire somebody. So I would say . . . just be a really good, clear example of what you hope both of you can be.”

“arm around behind her back, turned her toward the house again, and marched her to the front door. He knocked loudly. Pounded, really. With the flat side of his fist. Allie lost her ability to breathe. Her heart couldn’t decide whether to beat too much or too little. It hammered in her chest so hard she feared it might break, explode. Then it missed a beat or even two, leaving a sickening void in the middle of her body that felt like dying. A terrifying pause. Then a light came on inside the house. Victor opened the door, his face muddied by sleep. His hair looked disheveled, not perfectly slicked back, and he wore a haze of light beard. The light in the living room haloed him from behind. Allie couldn’t see the look in his eyes, but just his gaze in her direction made her heart skip beats again. The big man who held Allie spoke in a deep bass. “This the one you called about?” “The very one,” Victor said. “Where’d you find her?” “On her way out.” Victor made tsk noises with his tongue. Three of them. It made Allie feel like a trapped animal. Like the prey of a wild cat who likes to play with his terrified catch before . . . Allie didn’t want to carry the analogy any further than that. “You’ll have your hands full with this one,” Victor said.”

“After all, you can’t know what’s happening inside a person while they stare. You can only imagine. And imagination can be a highly fear-based phenomenon.”

“Sometimes we have to own our decisions. Good or bad.” “Right,” Allie said. “I’m getting that. I thought I got that all along, my whole life. But it turns out I just”

“That’s how most of the last fifty years of my life disappeared, even though I didn’t know it before now. And believe me, that’s all it takes. One little kiss and then you’ve thrown your lot in with someone, and your whole life has to be built around him. And all the parts of you that don’t fit with him have to go into hiding, and all the ones that do have to come to the surface and act like they’re the whole of you. The entire reason I did what I did is because we both knew I’d be gone in a few hours. It’s the first time in my life I ever got to do a thing like that and not stay around to pay the price. You’ll understand when you get older.”