Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends

The 1:1:1 method can be summed up as starting a story as close to the end as possible. Most stories end before they get to the end, in terms of impact on the listener, their attention span, and the energy that you have to tell it.

you should become the type of person you would like to get to know. You prefer someone who actively skydives over someone who watches television all day. You prefer someone who has something to teach you in an interesting subject. You prefer someone who displays passion and has opinions on a wide range of topics. Are you this person?

A final example is “How did you feel about your weekend? What was the best part?

The third and final indirect method of breaking the ice is to comment on a commonality you both share.

even if you follow these steps, sometimes people either aren’t willing to engage or not good at opening up themselves. You can blast past this by using forms of elicitation, in which you put forth a topic or question in a way that a person will feel compelled to engage or elaborate. These take the form of prompting the person to reply to your recognition, encouraging mutual complaining, assisting your naiveté, and correcting your incorrect assumption or information.

All this requires is that you ask how people feel about or would react to certain events, things, or situations.

Let’s be honest, you’ve probably encountered somebody with an opinion that made you scratch your head, to say the least. Here’s the thing though: a great conversationalist can always find some common ground, can be respectful, lighthearted, curious and kind…without agreeing in the least with their conversation partner. It’s all about prioritizing enjoyable human connection over the need to agree or be right.

The first, indirect method of breaking the ice is to ask people for objective information or a subjective opinion.

The second, indirect method of breaking the ice is to comment on something in the environment, context, or specific situation.

forth a topic or question in a way that a person will feel compelled to engage or elaborate.

getting to know you” phase where you can start sharing details of your life—where you work or live, interests,

opinion disclosure—brings you both closer still.

Puedes hacer más amigos en dos meses al interesarte en otras personas que en dos años tratado que otras personas se interesen en ti”. Dale Carnegie.

A story can be composed solely of (1) one action, (2) one emotion to be evoked, and (3) a one-sentence summary. Don’t get lost rambling, and also make sure your listener feels that they are fully participating in the conversation.

The first, indirect method of breaking the ice is to ask people for objective information or a subjective opinion. These can be very legitimate and important questions that would necessitate speaking to a stranger. It doesn’t necessarily matter that the person you are asking knows the answer; it’s just a way to begin a dialogue. For that matter, it doesn’t even matter that you don’t know the answer. Excuse me, do you know what time the speeches begin? Do you know where the closest Starbucks is? What did you think of the CEO’s speech? Do you like the food here? The first two examples are inquiring about objective information, while the latter two are asking for a subjective opinion. The second, indirect method of breaking the ice is to comment on something in the environment, context, or specific situation. It can be as simple as an observation. Imagine you are thinking out loud and prompting people to answer. Did you see that piece of art on the wall? What a crazy concept. The lighting in here is beautiful. I think it’s worth more than my house. This is an amazing DJ. All the rock ballads of the ’80s. Notice how these are all statements and not direct questions. You are inviting someone to comment on your statement instead of asking them to engage. If they don’t choose to engage, no harm no foul. You are not putting any pressure on them to respond, and you don’t necessarily need to expect an answer. The third and final indirect method of breaking the ice is to comment on a commonality you both share. For instance, why are you both at your friend Jack’s apartment? What business brings you both to this networking conference in Tallahassee? What stroke of misfortune brought you to the DMV this morning? So who do you know here? So how do you know Jack? Has Jack told you about the time he went skiing with his dog? The idea with these commonalities is that they are instant topics of conversation because there will be a clear answer behind them.

Tell me about the time you . . .” versus “How was that?” “Did you like that . . .?” versus “How was it?” “You look focused. What happened in your morning . . .?” versus “How are you?

(Of course, the best topics are always somewhat inappropriate. Very few topics are truly inappropriate—you just have to speak about those topics in an appropriate manner.)

What determines whether you hit it off with someone? It’s not circumstantial; rather, it’s a matter of you taking charge and setting the tone to be friendly and open. Most people treat others like strangers and thus won’t become friends. So change that script from the very beginning, put people at ease and let them be comfortable around you.

a playful, relaxed attitude like the one you already have with your friends is just right. Be less predictable and give unexpected, unconventional answers.

Daily life: What did you do over the weekend? Anything notable? How is your week/day going? Anything notable? How is your family/significant other? Anything notable? How is work going? Anything notable? Personal: What are your hobbies? Anything notable? What’s your biggest passion or interest outside of work? Anything notable? Where are you from? Anything notable? How long have you lived at your current location and worked at your current job? Anything notable? Where did you go to school and what subjects and activities were you involved in? Anything notable? What do you do for work? Anything notable? Notable: What are your five most unique experiences? What are your five most personally significant accomplishments? What are ten strengths—things you are above average at, no matter how big or small. Name ten places you have traveled in the past five years. Name the past five times you have gone out to a social event. Name ten things you cannot live without—don’t take this question too literally. It is asking about your interests, not household staples. Staying Current: What are the top five current events of the week and month? Learn the basics and develop an opinion and stance on them. What are four funny personal situations from the past week? Be able to summarize them as a brief story. What are the four most interesting things you’ve read or heard about in the past week? Be able to summarize them as a brief story.

es más sostenible, sencillo y práctico es prepararse de antemano para una conversación.

To warm up your conversation and small talk skills, you just need to do something we’ve done almost every day in our lives: read out loud.

The final step of this set of free-association exercises is to choose five random words from the dictionary and make up a story that involves all of the words, as quickly as possible.

However, it’s not negative to talk about negativity because it’s an emotion like any other, and the more emotion you can generate in your interaction, the greater an impression you will make.

indagar de manera más profunda e intensa en nuestras comunicaciones puede crear resultados positivos más rápidamente de lo que uno piensa.

We all dislike small talk, but it does have a role. Getting to know someone happens in a sequential manner, and we cannot skip steps if we want to go deeper. It can be said that there are four stages to an interaction, and small talk is the first, followed by fact disclosure, then opinion disclosure, then emotion disclosure. The sequence can be played with, but understanding small talk’s role is important.

Remember that even though you are trying to tell a compelling story, you are not really an entertainer on a stage. Your primary goal is not to get people to applaud and think you’re awesome—the goal is to make other people feel relaxed and happy, and to get good, satisfying conversation flowing. And that means, the sooner you can get off your podium, the better!

La conversación, y por extensión la socialización y el cultivo de las relaciones con las personas, es algo que pasa por etapas, no de un solo golpe.

The 5 Ws work so well because they allow you to tie in different details to the person with whom you’re speaking. Think of yourself as a detective sifting through different clues to solve a mystery.

Si alguien con quien interactúas responde a tus preguntas felizmente pero no toma un descanso para preguntar cómo estás, entonces ese alguien debe callarse un poco. Si ese alguien eres tú, tú eres quien debe callarse.