Magic Words

“Ditch the hedges. When the goal is to convey confidence, avoid words and phrases like “may,” “could,” and “in my opinion,” which suggest that things, and the people saying them, are uncertain Use definites. Rather than hedging, use definites instead. Words like “definitely,” “clearly,” and “obviously,” which suggest whatever was said isn’t just an opinion, it’s an irrefutable truth. Don’t hesitate. Ums and uhs are natural parts of speech, but too many of them can undermine people’s confidence in us and our message. So cut the fillers. To decrease hesitations, plan what to say in advance or pause to collect your thoughts when needed. Turn pasts into presents. Using the present tense can communicate confidence and increase persuasion. So to signal certainty, rather than using past tense (e.g., “I loved that book”), use present tense (e.g., “I love that book”) instead.”

“As one researcher noted, “If we just look at the words that were used by the officer, we can predict the race of the person that they were talking to about two-thirds of the time.”

“what’s known as linguistic concreteness. Three ways to apply it are to: (1) make people feel heard, (2) make the abstract concrete, and (3) know when it’s better to be abstract.”

“In other cases, repayers and defaulters talked about similar topics but in different ways. Both used time-related words, for example, but defaulters seemed to focus more on the near term (e.g., the next month) while repayers focused on the longer term (e.g., the next year).”

“Take commercials. Most people hate them, so removing them should make shows or other entertainment more enjoyable. But the opposite is true. Shows are actually more enjoyable when they’re broken up by annoying commercials.6 Because these less enjoyable moments break up adaptation to the positive experience of the show.”

“language is like a fingerprint. It leaves behind traces or signals of the person or people who created it.”

“Ask for advice. Not only does it garner useful insights, it makes us seem smarter as well. Follow up. Asking questions makes us look good, and facilitates positive interactions, but follow-up questions are particularly useful because they show we’re interested and care enough to learn more. Deflect difficulty. When someone asks an unfair question, asking a related one back allows us to direct the conversation in a different direction, showing interest while keeping personal information private. Avoid assumptions. When trying to get people to divulge potentially negative information, be careful of questions that assume things away. Start safe, then build. Deep self-disclosure requires social connection. But to get to that point, people need to feel safe first. So to deepen social relationships, or turn strangers into friends, start simple and build from there, encouraging reciprocal self-disclosure. Knowing what to ask, and when, can help us make better impressions, collect useful information, and foster more meaningful connections with those around us.”

“Know when to express doubt. While seeming to be certain is often beneficial, if we want to show we’re open minded, receptive to opposing viewpoints, or aware of nuances, expressing doubt can help.”

“Turn actions into identities. Asking for help or trying to persuade someone to do something? Turn that verb (“Will you help?”) into a noun instead (“Will you be a helper?”). Framing actions as opportunities to confirm desired identities will encourage people to go along. Change can’ts to don’ts. Having trouble sticking to your goals or resisting temptation? Rather than saying “I can’t,” try saying “I don’t” instead (e.g.,“I don’t eat sweets right now”). Doing this increases our feeling of empowerment and makes us more likely to achieve our goals. Turn shoulds into coulds. Want to be more creative or come up with a creative solution to a tough problem? Rather than asking what we should do, ask what you could do instead. This encourages divergent thinking and helps us get out of that rut. Talk to yourself.”

“And that is where less emotional, more cognitive language becomes important. Indeed, when customer service agents used more emotional language at the beginning of conversations, and more cognitive language in the middle, customers were more satisfied with the interaction and purchased more afterward. Don’t just solve. And don’t just connect. Connect, then solve.”

“Make people feel heard. Want to show someone you’re listening? Be concrete. Give specific details that show we paid attention and understood. Be concrete. Don’t just pick things that sound good, use words that listeners can see in their minds. It’s a lot easier to imagine a red sportscar than ideation. Focus on the How. Thinking about the nuts and bolts of how something will happen, and focusing on specific actions, makes things concrete. But while concrete language is often useful, if our goal is to come off as powerful, or make something seem like it has growth potential, using abstract language is better. In those cases: Focus on the why. Thinking about the reasoning behind something helps things stay high level and communicate that big picture.”

“Even controlling for all those aspects, though, the results still held. Officers spoke to Black community members with less respect. Even considering someone who was the same age and gender and stopped in the same part of town for the same type of issue, officers’ language was more respectful when the person was White. And the difference wasn’t driven by just a couple of rogue officers. Among hundreds of officers, whether White, Black, Hispanic, Asian, or other, the pattern persisted: Black motorists were treated with less respect.”

“The researchers also identified which words or phrases best differentiated between repayers and defaulters. Repayers were more likely to use words and phrases related to their financial situation (e.g., “interest” and “tax”) or improvements in financial ability (e.g., “graduate” and “promote”). They also used words and phrases that indicated their financial literacy (e.g., “reinvest” and “minimum payment”) and were more likely to discuss topics such as employment and school, interest rate reductions, and monthly payments. Defaulters, on the other hand, used distinctly different language. They were more likely to mention words or phrases related to financial hardships (e.g., “payday loan” or “refinance”), for example, or hardship more generally (e.g., “stress” or “divorce”), as well as words and phrases that tried to explain their situation (e.g., “explain why”) or discuss their work state (e.g., “hard work” or “worker”). Similarly, they were more likely to plead for help (e.g., “need help” or “please help”) or touch on religion. In fact, while people who used the word “reinvest” were almost 5 times more likely to repay their loan in full, those who used the word “God” were almost 2 times more likely to default.”

“And this unpredictability makes the ride more stimulating and increases liking. Indeed, when we analyzed thousands of movies, we found that volatility made stories better. Audiences are dialed in to find out what will happen next, and, as a result, enjoy the experience more.”

“But while people like being flattered, they don’t always trust the person flattering them. They’re smart enough to realize that flattery comes with ulterior motives. Consequently, flattery can backfire.”

“Activate uncertainty. The right words can make any topic or presentation more captivating. Evoking uncertain emotions (e.g., surprise) will keep people engaged.”

“But when picking and using utilitarian products and services, evoking emotion isn’t really the goal. People want glue that hardens quickly, gas that is inexpensive, and a toaster that easily makes toast. Utilitarian things are often bought to do a job, and people pick them because their thoughts (rather than emotions) suggest they will do that job well.”

“Because while emotionality is good for hedonic things, it’s bad for more utilitarian ones. When picking and using hedonic products and services, emotion is a deciding factor”

“Turning actions into identities, though, is just one way to apply a broader category of language. And that is the language of identity and agency. Four more ways to harness it are to: (1) change can’ts to don’ts, (2) turn shoulds into coulds, (3) talk to yourself, and (4) know when to use “you.”

“Signal similarity. When familiarity is useful or fitting in is the goal, similar language can help. Paying more attention to how our colleagues are using words, for example, and adopting some of their mannerisms should help us thrive at the office. Drive difference. But similarity isn’t always good; there are also benefits to differentiation, particularly if you’re doing a job in which creativity, innovation, or stimulation is valued, standing out might be better. Plot the right progression. Further, when drafting presentations, writing stories, or crafting certain types of content, think about the progression of ideas. Start slowly to make sure the audience is on board before speeding up to increase excitement, particularly when entertainment is the goal. But if your goal is to inform, slowing down but covering more ground is the better way to go.”

“But it’s actually just one example of a much larger phenomenon. And that is the value of employing emotion. Four ways to do that are to: (1) build a roller coaster, (2) mix up moments, (3) consider the context, and (4) activate uncertainty.”

“Turn actions into identities. Asking for help or trying to persuade someone to do something? Turn that verb (“Will you help?”) into a noun instead (“Will you be a helper?”). Framing actions as opportunities to confirm desired identities will encourage people to go along. Change can’ts to don’ts. Having trouble sticking to your goals or resisting temptation? Rather than saying “I can’t,” try saying “I don’t” instead (e.g.,“I don’t eat sweets right now”). Doing this increases our feeling of empowerment and makes us more likely to achieve our goals. Turn shoulds into coulds. Want to be more creative or come up with a creative solution to a tough problem? Rather than asking what we should do, ask what you could do instead. This encourages divergent thinking and helps us get out of that rut. Talk to yourself. Nervous about a big presentation or trying to psych yourself up for a big interview? Try talking to yourself in the third person (“You can do it!”). It distances us from tough situations, reducing anxiety and increasing performance. Pick your pronouns. And whether trying to get someone’s attention, or not fight with a spouse, think carefully about how to use pronouns like “I” and “you.” They can draw attention and take ownership, but they also suggest responsibility and blame.”

“The study revealed that mistakes themselves are neither good nor bad. Their impact hinges on the broader context. When incompetent people made mistakes, it just reinforced other’s already negative impressions. It was more of the same. When competent people made mistakes, though, it had the opposite effect.”

“Similarly, both talked about people, but while repayers talked about themselves (e.g., “I’d,” “I’ll,” and “I’m”), defaulters tended to talk about others (e.g., “God,” “he,” or “mother”). In fact, when defaulters did include themselves in the conversation, they tended to talk about “we” rather than “I.”

“When marketing a product, service, or experience, for example, is it more hedonic or more utilitarian? Are people buying it for pleasure or enjoyment, or more functional or practical reasons?”

“Highlight the hurdles. As long as we’re already seen as competent, revealing past shortcomings can make people like us more, not less. Build a roller coaster. The best stories blend highs and lows. So to increase engagement, know when to go negative. Talking about all the failures along the way makes the successes evermore sweet. Mix up moments. The same intuition applies to moments as well. Smooth rides are easy, but not the most engaging, so to hold people’s attention, mix it up a bit. Consider the context. When trying to persuade, it’s not just enough to say something positive. Emotional language can help in hedonic domains like movies and vacations, but backfire in more utilitarian domains like job applications or software. Connect, then solve. Solving problems requires understanding people. So rather than jumping into solutions, connect with the person first. Starting with warmer, more emotional language helps set things up for the more cognitive, problem-solving discussions that come later.”

“Growing up in West Covina, California, Guy Raz dreamed of becoming a journalist.”

“Want to be more concrete? Focus on the how. How does a product meet consumer needs? How does a proposed new initiative address an important problem? Thinking about how something is or will be done encourages concreteness. It focuses on the feasibility and helps generate concrete descriptions. Want to be more abstract? Focus on the why. Why does a product meet consumer needs? Why does a proposed new initiative address an important problem? Thinking about why something is good or right encourages abstractness. It focuses on its desirability and helps generate abstract descriptions.”

“Person 1 Person 2 I am a hardworking person, married for 25 years, and have two wonderful boys. Please let me explain why I need help. I would use the $2,000 loan to fix our roof. Thank you, God bless you, and I promise to pay you back. While the past year in our new place has been more than great, the roof is now leaking, and I need to borrow $2,000 to cover the cost of the repair. I pay all bills (e.g., car loans, cable, utilities) on time. But Person #2 is more likely to pay the money back. While Person #1 might have seemed more compelling, they’re actually around 8 times more likely to default.”

“The pratfall effect shows that imperfections can be an asset.”