Love Hacked

“You’ve shown me joy where before I saw only despair. You’ve taught me hope where before I knew only hopelessness. I may be broken, but all my pieces are yours. And I’ll work every day of my life to deserve you.”

“There is boring. There is sensational. There is mediocre. There is lazy. There is good. There is evil. People do implausible things all the time, and they run the gamut of moderately weird to truly extraordinary. But there is no normal. The world is an unbelievable place full of unbelievable people doing unbelievable things.”

“This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.”

“The best stories, I feel, are those that are self-deprecating and involve some thread of irony.”

“Do ever respond to a question without asking another question?Does it bother you?No. But it does confirm my hypothesis.What hypothesis?He let out a heavy sigh, and with it, all the residual warmth from our flirty banther evaporated. " You're a shrink," he said. He might as well have accused me of being a traitor or a murder or a Kardeshian.”

“Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women.”

“My previous outlook could be summed up as follows: Life is shit. Math makes sense. Fictional characters are superior to real people because real people are equal parts pitiful and predictable.”

“I might cry later, at home, while watching Steel Magnolias and dressed like a homeless person. Sometimes I applied mascara before crying just to heighten the experience.”

“I didn't tell her, because I didn't think it would help, but all people are lost, to varying degrees. I suspected that it’s only when we love others—through purpose, friendship, romance, or any combination thereof—that we become found.”

“I dream of your voice, daydream about it. I spend a good part of my day thinking up ways to make you laugh, counting the hours before I can hold you—just hold you—to feel you breathe, feel your heartbeat. I've memorized your walk. I even look forward to your butchering of the German language and discovering which T-shirt you'll wear. I want to tell everyone about you, how brilliant you are, how generous and kind and amazing you are, and I will keep you safe. I want to know everything about you so I can be what you need—give you what you need.”

“People were, essentially, the secrets they kept.”

“What is your least favorite part of the male anatomy?” “Uh…what?” “Come on.” I nudged her shoulder. “You have to have a least favorite part.” Marie stared at me for a beat then blinked rapidly. “Really? I just pour out my heart to you and….” “Balls,” Ashley announced unceremoniously from her place on the floor. Elizabeth snickered. “Oh, my lord.” Marie covered her face with her hands and shook her head. I ignored her and leaned closer to Ashley. “I know, right? I mean, shouldn’t those things be on the inside?” Janie’s thoughtfully distracted voice chimed in. “I feel like the rest of the male body makes a lot of sense. And then…balls.” “Yes!” “It makes me think maybe God is an alien or ran out of alluring parts before he got to the male reproductive system.” “They never look nice; it’s basically impossible. You can’t dress them up, and I’ve seen a lot of balls in the ER. I’ve never seen a man’s balls and thought to myself, Now that guy has a great set of testicles”

“Nothing was worse than a handsome guy who became an ignorant toad when he spoke.”

“... worry is an emotional state that I abhor. It tends to be self-absorbed and short-sighted, and holds no purpose other than to waste energy and distract the mind from what actually matters.”

“When I was younger, I wanted plenty of things, plenty of people, until I realized there was no point in wanting. Since then, I’ve never had something I wanted, not really. Not ’til you.”

“You don't know love?""No.""But you're so certain that this is it, that what we have—what we're doing—that this is us in love?""Yes.""Why?""Because it's what love should be.”

“I treasure my sleep over the wellbeing or interests of my loved ones”

“I may be broken, but all my pieces are yours.”

“Nothing screams lady-mind-porn like a hot, shirtless, sexy man doing dishes after giving her a reason to be exhausted.”

“And why did men insist on buying the largest size? Didn’t they understand the concept of sizes? Did they think buying a magnum sized condom was going to fool me into thinking their Toyota Camery was an aircraft carrier?”

“nerds rule the world.”

“But, as much as I wanted to feel nothing about our undefinable relationship's early demise, I continued to feel a pang of inconvenient regret and longing. I hated longing. I hated it almost as much as I hated pining. It sapped the mind of good judgement, filled the heart with achiness, and distracted the vagina from other potential conquests.”

“He wanted me. I wanted him. This was a frightening and thrilling prospect, because when I pushed him, he pushed back.”

“... that was also weird. Everything was weird." "Stop using the word weird. You do your vocabulary no justice.”

“Be cool. Be cool and act cool. Be chill, act chill, be ice. You’re an ice cube. Just be cool.”

“It is a universally acknowledged, inalienable truth that a knitter faced with the unadorned neck, head, and hands of a person she cares for feels an overwhelming compulsion to smother that person in fancy hand-knits.”

“manlicious”

“You know those French impressionists; all they did was fornicate, drink absinthe, and play dominoes.”

“For all my bravado, when I fell, I fell hard. I fell fast. I fell stupid. I invested too much too soon. My capacity for giving was matched only by their capacity for taking.”

“I find it’s best to go to the market or shopping if I have to pee. It saves me from buyer’s remorse.” “It’ll also give you a urinary tract infection,” Elizabeth mumbled. “Yes, but those can be treated with antibiotics and cranberry juice. An empty bank account can only be treated with whoring myself out down by the industrial park.”