Project Hail Mary

“I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe.""You poked it with a stick?""No!" I said. "Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.”

“Human beings have a remarkable ability to accept the abnormal and make it normal.”

“Work fast.""Yeah." I point at the screen. "First I have to wait for my computer to wake up.""Hurry.""Okay, I'll wait faster.""Sarcasm.”

“He puts his claw against the divider. “Fist my bump.”“Fist-bump. It’s just ‘fist-bump.’” “Understand.”

“Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?”

“Good. Proud. I am scary space monster. You are leaky space blob.” He points to the breeder tanks. “Check tanks!”

“Once again I’m struck by melancholy. I want to spend the rest of my life studying Eridian biology! But I have to save humanity first. Stupid humanity. Getting in the way of my hobbies.”

“Usually you not stupid. Why stupid, question?”

“Oh thank God. I can’t imagine explaining “sleep” to someone who had never heard of it. Hey, I’m going to fall unconscious and hallucinate for a while. By the way, I spend a third of my time doing this. And if I can’t do it for a while, I go insane and eventually die. No need for concern.”

“We’re as smart as evolution made us. So we’re the minimum intelligence needed to ensure we can dominate our planets.”

“Knock-knock-knockNo, that's not creepy at all. Being in a spaceship twelve light-years from home and having someone knock on the door is totally normal.”

“I spend a lot of time un-suiciding this suicide mission.”

“I gasped. "Wait a minute! Am I a guinea pig? I'm a guinea pig!""No, it's not like that," she said.I stared at her.She stared at me.I stared at her."Okay, it's exactly like that," she said.”

“I’m a scientist! Now we’re getting somewhere! Time for me to use science. All right, genius brain: come up with something! …I’m hungry. You have failed me, brain.”

“I pull the sheet off the bed and wrap it around my torso a couple of times. I pull one corner over my shoulder from behind my back and tie it to another from the front. Instant toga."Self-ambulation detected," says the computer. "What's your name?""I am Emperor Comatose. Kneel before me.""Incorrect.”

“Good. Proud. I am scary space monster. You are leaky space blob.”

“I leaned to Dimitri. “Are all Russians crazy?” “Yes,” he said with a smile. “It is the only way to be Russian and happy at the same time.” “That’s…dark.” “That’s Russian!”

“Evolution can be insanely effective when you leave it alone for a few billion years.”

“Besides, if I had a nickel for every time I wanted to smack a kid’s parents for not teaching them even the most basic things…well…I’d have enough nickels to put in a sock and smack those parents with it.”

“This is happy! Your face opening is in sad mode. Why, question?”

“I've gone from "sole-surviving space explorer" to "guy with a wacky new roommate." It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.”

“Every pore of my being yells at me to go back to sleep, but I told Rocky I’d be back in two hours and I wouldn’t want him to think humans are untrustworthy. I mean…we’re pretty untrustworthy, but I don’t want him to know that.”

“Do you believe in God? I know it’s a personal question. I do. And I think He was pretty awesome to make relativity a thing, don’t you? The faster you go, the less time you experience. It’s like He’s inviting us to explore the universe, you know?”

“Humanity’s first miscommunication with an intelligent alien race. Glad I could be a part of it.”

“When stupid ideas work, they become genius ideas.”

“Intelligence evolves to gives us an advantage over the other animals on our planet. But evolution is lazy. Once a problem is solved, the trait stops evolving.”

“Does that mean it's not no? Is that another yes? Now I'm confused. "No?" I ask"No" he says in Eridian."So, 'yes'?""No, yes.""Yes?""No. No.""Yes, yes?""No!" he balls a fist at me, clearly frustrated.Enough of this interspecies Abbott and Costello routine.”

“But I have to save humanity first. Stupid humanity. Getting in the way of my hobbies.”

“Another day, another staff meeting. Who would have thought saving the world could be so boring?”

“Sometimes, the stuff we all hate ends up being the only way to do things.”