The Lies of Locke Lamora

“Someday, Locke Lamora,” he said, “someday, you’re going to fuck up so magnificently, so ambitiously, so overwhelmingly that the sky will light up and the moons will spin and the gods themselves will shit comets with glee. And I just hope I’m still around to see it.”“Oh please,” said Locke. “It’ll never happen.”

“There’s no freedom quite like the freedom of being constantly underestimated.”

“... It's perfect! Locke would appreciate it.""Bug," Calo said, "Locke is our brother and our love for him knows no bounds. But the four most fatal words in the Therin language are 'Locke would appreciate it.'""Rivalled only by 'Locke taught me a new trick,'" added Galo."The only person who gets away with Locke Lamora games ...""... is Locke ...""... because we think the gods are saving him up for a really big death. Something with knives and hot irons ...""... and fifty thousand cheering spectators.”

“I cut off his fingers to get him to talk, and when he'd confessed everything I wanted to hear, I had his fucking tongue cut out, and the stump cauterized."Everyone in the room stared at him."I called him an asshole, too," said Locke. "He didn't like that.”

“I only steal because my dear old family needs the money to live!"Locke Lamora made this proclamation with his wine glass held high; he and the other Gentleman Bastards were seated at the old witchwood table. . . . The others began to jeer."Liar!" they chorused"I only steal because this wicked world won't let me work an honest trade!" Calo cried, hoisting his own glass."LIAR!""I only steal," said Jean, "because I've temporarily fallen in with bad company.""LIAR!"At last the ritual came to Bug; the boy raised his glass a bit shakily and yelled, "I only steal because it's heaps of fucking fun!""BASTARD!”

“There are only three people in life you can never fool--pawnbrokers, whores, and your mother. Since your mother's dead, I've taken her place. Hence, I'm bullshit-proof.”

“Nice bird, asshole!”

“I don't have to beat you. I don't have to beat you, motherfucker. I just have to keep you here... until Jean shows up.”

“When you don't know everything that you could know, it's a fine time to shut your fucking noisemaker and be polite.”

“I've got kids that enjoy stealing. I've got kids that don't think about stealing one way or the other, and I've got kids that just tolerate stealing because they know they've got nothing else to do. But nobody--and I mean nobody--has ever been hungry for it like this boy. If he had a bloody gash across his throat and a physiker was trying to sew it up, Lamora would steal the needle and thread and die laughing. He...steals too much.”

“You can't help being young, but it's past time that you stopped being stupid.”

“I can't wait to have words with the Gray King when this shit is all finished," Locke whispered. "There's a few things I want to ask him. Philosophical questions. Like, 'How does it feel to be dangled out a window by a rope tied around your balls, motherfucker?”

“If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.”

“We’re a different sort of thief here, Lamora. Deception and misdirection are our tools. We don’t believe in hard work when a false face and a good line of bullshit can do so much more.”

“To us — richer and cleverer than everyone else!”

“You're one third bad intentions, one third pure avarice, and one eighth sawdust. What's left, I'll credit, must be brains.”

“Throwing blondes at Locke Lamora was not unlike throwing lettuce at sharks.”

“You simply collapsed, sir. In layman's terms, your body revoked its permission for you to continue heaping abuse upon it.”

“Locke sighed.'So this is winning,' he said.'It is,' replied Jean. 'It can go fuck itself,' said Locke.”

“Just one question, you arrogant fucking cocksucker" said Locke. "I'll grant the Lamora part is easy to spot; the truth is, I didn't know about the apt translation when I took the name. I borrowed it from this old sausage dealer who was kind to me once, back in Catchfire before the plague. I just liked the way it sounded."But what the fuck" he said slowly, "ever gave you the idea that Locke was the first name I was actually born with?”

“My name's Jean Tannen, and I'm the ambush.”

“You've got that motherly concern in your eyes, Jean. I must look like I'm hammered as shit," said Locke."Actually you look like you were executed last week.”

“It was strange, how readily authority could be conjured with nothing but a bit of strutting jackassery.”

“What kind of knife is this?” Locke held a rounded buttering utensil up for Chains’ inspection. “It’s all wrong. You couldn’t kill anyone with this.”

“I’m only doing this,” he said, “because I really love hiding in haunted Eldren buildings on dark and creepy nights.”“You’re a liar,” said Jean, slowly. “I’m only doing this because I’ve always wanted to see Bug get eaten by an Eldren ghost.”“Liar,” said Calo. “I’m only doing this because I fucking love hauling half a ton of bloody coins up out of a vault and packing them away on a cart.”“Liar!” Galdo chuckled. “I’m only doing this because while you’re all busy elsewhere, I’m going to go pawn all the furniture in the burrow at No-Hope Harza’s.”“You’re all liars,” said Locke as their eyes turned expectantly to him.“We’re only doing this because nobody else in Camorr is good enough to pull this off, and nobody else is dumb enough to get stuck doing it in the first place.”“Bastard!” They shouted in unison, forgetting their surroundings for a bare moment.”

“So that makes us robbers of robbers," said Bug, "who pretend to be robbers working for a robber of other robbers.”

“Advice," Doña Vorchenza chuckled. "Advice. The years play a sort of alchemical trick, transmuting one's mutterings to a state of respectability. Give advice at forty and you're a nag. Give it at seventy and you're a sage.”

“[W]hen you find yourself face to face with one [Bondsmage], you bow and scrape and mind your 'sirs' and 'madams.'"...'Nice bird, asshole,' said Locke.”

“Those prancing little pants-wetters come here to learn the colorful and gentlemanly art of fencing, with its many sporting limitations and its proscriptions against dishonorable engagements. You on the other hand, you are going to learn how to kill men with a sword.”

“I don’t need to be reminded that we’re up to our heads in dark water. I just want you boys to remember that we’re the gods-damned sharks.”