Tales from a Not-So-Dorky Drama Queen

“ME, STEALING YOUR LETTER DUE TO POST-DETENTION STRESS SYNDROME Anyway, while we were in class listening”

“friends!”

“Because sometimes a diary can help you vent frustration, face your fears, find your courage, embrace your dreams, and learn to love yourself.”

“choreography!”

“What’s up, bro! Is this Queasy Cheesy? Cool! Yo, my name is Brandon and I was in there a few days ago snagging a pizza and, dude, I lost my receipt. And I, like, really need that receipt for, um . . . tax purposes. . . . Huh? I said tax purposes! . . . No, NOT tacks porpoises. Hey, bro, this has nothing to do with thumbtacks or those big fish that look like dolphins, okay? I said TAX! PURPOSES! . . . Yeah, that’s it! Cool! . . . Do I remember what I ordered? Of course I do! Not all guys are stupid. We can remember lots of stuff. I ordered . . . um . . . ! Could you hold on a second? I have to . . . burp?”

“I had so much chocolate on me that I felt like a Godiva truffle with LEGS!”

“on television?!”

“sometimes a diary can help you vent frustration, face your fears, find your courage, embrace your dreams, and learn to love yourself.”

“MacKenzie is such a VOMIT QUEEN! OOPS! I meant . . . DRAMA QUEEN! Sorry about that, MacKenzie!!”

“[…] It’s always better to rip into a page than another human being.”

“#3: With all the food you’re going to have stuck in your braces, you’ll have yourself a portable, FREE all-you-can-eat buffet!”

“PRINCIPAL WINSTON PARKED HIS BUTT RIGHT AT OUR TABLE AND THEN JUST STOOD THERE, LIKE, FOREVER !!”

“friend is someone who knows the SONG in your HEART and can SING it back to you when you FORGET the WORDS!’—Author unknown.”

“You and your silly friends, Chloe and Zoey, are giggling and scampering down the hall like a pack of socially challenged CHIPMUNKS!”

“Godiva truffle”

“blowup”

“screeching cat with a violent case of diarrhea!”

“therapeutic”

“Dear Miss Know-It-All, I worked really hard to make the eighth-grade cheerleading team this year, but the other cheerleaders treat me like I don’t belong. I never get to do much cheering or dancing like they do. The only time the team captain needs me is when we do the human pyramid, and she always puts me at the bottom! I have to hold the most people on my back, which is totally excruciating, and if I lose my balance, the whole pyramid collapses and everyone bullies me about it! I’m tired of those girls walking all over me. Literally! I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of treatment, but it’s pretty obvious they all hate my guts. ! I’m majorly frustrated! I don’t know if I should quit the team, confront my teammates, or just keep quiet so I don’t make things worse. I really don’t want to give up my dream of making varsity! What would you do?? —Cheerless Cheerleader * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Cheerless Cheerleader, Hon . . . I think you’re kidding yourself if you think you made the cheerleading team based on your awesome moves. My reliable source on the team told me your tryout routine was HOR-REN-DOUS. She said she couldn’t tell if you were trying to dance or going into convulsions! Your backflips were BACKFLOPS, your cartwheels were FLAT TIRES, and your dismount was totally DISGUSTING! Get the picture? You were chosen for one reason, and one reason alone—you look like a sturdy ogre who can carry a lot of weight! It’s been a long tradition for cheerleading captains to hand-pick strong, ugly girls for the bottom of the pyramid. Didn’t you know that?? Quit taking everything so personally! Just accept that the bottom is where you belong, sweetie! You should hold your green, Shrek-looking head high that someone actually wants you for something. Bet that doesn’t happen often! Yay you! Sincerely, Miss Know-It-All P.S. My source wants you to stop dancing. She says you’re giving the squad NIGHT TERRORS!”

“PROS: #1: You can get a job at the Olive Garden restaurant grating cheese with your teeth! #2: Your mouth also multitasks as a paper shredder and chain saw!”

“Dear Brace Face, Did I get your name right? Or was it Zipper Mouth? Maybe it was STUMP GRINDER! Sorry, sweetie. I’m so forgetful sometimes! Anyway, having braces isn’t all that bad. Let’s look at the pros and cons, shall we? PROS: #1: You can get a job at the Olive Garden restaurant grating cheese with your teeth! #2: Your mouth also multitasks as a paper shredder and chain saw! #3: With all the food you’re going to have stuck in your braces, you’ll have yourself a portable, FREE all-you-can-eat buffet! CONS: #1: People will follow you around to get a better cell phone signal. #2: A boyfriend with braces could become the kiss of death, literally. If your braces lock up during a smooch, you’ll both have to go to the orthodontist together to get it surgically terminated! #3: On a very clear day, you can pick up interstellar signals from ALIENS on Mars! Wait a second!! ALL of those sound like CONS, don’t they? Oh well! Too bad for you! Thank goodness I’ve ALWAYS had perfectly straight pearly whites! YAY ME !! —Miss Know-It-All”

“DIABOLICAL”

“phone. “Well, DUDE! It’s like this. Actually, I’m not sure what I ordered since I never saw myself eating it. But whatever it was, it was in the pizza box I was carrying! I’m guessing it was probably a large pizza. And I drank a soda that was on top of my pizza box. Did you get all that, bro?”