Nanny Ogg's Cookbook

“It is a truth self evident that a man in possession of his own teeth, a decent pair of boots, a couple of acres of land and some pigs that need feeding must be in want of a wife.”

“Anyone with interesting gossip.**I always say: if you haven't got anything good to say about anyone, say it to me.”

“On no account take hold of a wizard's staff unless he asks you to; there are many bewildered amphibians and other crawin' things in the world today who could have benefited from this advice.”

“THEY SAY THAT the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, which just goes to show they’re as confused about anatomy as they gen’rally are about everything else, unless they’re talking about instructions on how to stab him, in which case a better way is up and under the ribcage.”

“sensible tips:1 Don't go anywhere near a vampire's castle, no matter how bad the weather. 2 Having gone near the castle,don't knock at the huge forbidding door.3 Having knocked at the huge forbidding door,don't accept the invitation from the strange man in black clothes to go inside.4 Having gone inside,don't go into the guest bedroom.5 Having gone into the guest bedroom,don't - whatever you do - sleep with the window open. 6 Having slept with the window open,don't come runnin' to me to complain.”

“Before smokin' in a strange house, I always feel it is a good idea to ask people around you if they mind you doing so. Anything less than a threat to kill you if you light up should be considered a 'no'. After all, the world is full of fools, and you are not allowed to object to that, even though passive stupidity kills so many people.”

“If you do find yourself with a fishbone in your mouth, this should be spat into your left hand and placed on the side of your plate. Never use your fingers. If you are choking to death, nod respectfully to your host as you lose consciousness.”

“And on that subject, we need to make a point about the weights and measures used in the cookery recipes. We have, reluctantly, translated them into metric terms, because Nanny Ogg used throughout the very specialized unit of measure known as the 'some' (as in 'Take some flour and some sugar'). This required some, hah, experiment, because the 'some' is a unit of some, you see, complexity. Some flour is almost certainly more than some salt, but there appears to be no such thing as a half of some, although there was the occasional mention of a 'bit' as in 'a bit of pepper'. Instinctively, one feels that a bit of flour is more than some pepper, but probably less than a bit of butter, and have that a wodge of bread is probably about a handful, but we have found no reliable way of measuring a gnat's.”

“it is also not good manners to make more work than is necessary for other people”