Not in Love

“Maybe people can be happy and sad. Maybe stories are messy and complicated. Maybe endings don’t always include solutions that tie everything together in a bow. But that doesn’t mean that they have to be tragedies.”

“And I’m going to—I’m going to want to see you every day. I’m going to learn more dishes and pack your lunch and write cute little notes on it. I’m going to ask you if you want to sleep at your place or mine and always assume that we’re spending the night together. I’m going to think about you all the damn time. I’m going to assume I’m watering your plants when you’re out of town. I’m going to hold your hand in public. I’m going to kiss you in public. I’m going to organize surprise parties for you with your friend. I’m going to send a hundred texts per day with stupid online shit I think you should see. Clingy as fuck, Rue. Can you do it? Can you live with me as your boyfriend?”

“And then, Rue, I met you. And you casually cracked my life into before and after you.”

“Is it true?” “According to my lawyer, yes.” “Who’s your lawyer?” “Google.”

“I want her to be all right more than I want to keep my dignity.”

“If you still want me to love you, I really think I can love you back. Because I already do.” Two tears streaked her cheekbones. “And if you don’t, I guess I’ll be loving you anyway.”

“Out of all the people I’ve met, the things I’ve wanted, the places I’ve been, none has ever felt as necessary as you do. Because I love you. I love you in a way I didn’t think I was capable of. I love you because you showed me how to fall in love. And I don’t regret it, Rue. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Even if you can never say it back. Even if you never think about me again after today. Even if you were right after all, and you’re not capable of love.”

“Your damn mouth,” he murmured, “is the most obscenely lovely thing I’ve ever had the burden of seeing.”

“I'd been an odd child, then an odd teenager. Then I'd become, maybe as a result, maybe unavoidably, an odd adult.”

“I'd never felt more beautiful than when he looked at me. Like I was the final prototype of someone's entire fantasy life.”

“Do you think that maybe there’s another version of us, somewhere in another timeline? Where we’re not just a messed-up lump of scar tissue, and we’re whole enough to be capable of loving others the way they want to be loved?”

“unsmiling men tended to be considered consummate professionals, while serious, unsmiling women were often written off as haughty shrews.”

“Eli was entranced. Her servant. Spellbound. He considered begging her to let him touch her.”

“There was something uniquely good about being in her presence, and he could see himself doing things that ranged from embarrassing to reckless to illegal, just for five more minutes with her.” -Eli Killgore”

“My very few friends were the best people I knew, and I was ready to cut a bitch.”

“If her heart has to be broken, I’d rather it be me. That way I can help her pick up the pieces.”

“Maybe some people are meant to be tragedies.”

“He was her servant. Anything she wanted, Eli would do it. He had to slide his hands behind his back, trap them between himself and the wall, just to stop himself from touching and gripping and taking.”

“I think people are puzzled, and intimidated, and generally unsure of what to do with you.” “You are not unsure.” “No. Then again, I like you very much.”

“She may have robbed him of his peace of mind, but he still wanted her to have hers. One more fault to add to the humbling business of falling in love, he supposed.”

“Maya was sitting at the counter, frowning into her tablet at something that could have been a physics article or Wattpad fan fiction. She was that eclectic.”

“Rue laughed again, and had he ever yielded more power than right at this moment? Had anything felt better than making her smile wwhen she'd been crying only moments ago?”

“A fair bit. We’re not Nolan Sawyer level, or anything—” “Mallory Greenleaf level, you mean?”

“I'm going to want to see you every day. I'm going to learn more dishes and pack your lunch and write cute little notes on it. I'm going to ask you if you want to sleep at your place or mine and always assume that were spending the night together. I'm going to think about you all the damn time. I'm going to assume I'm watering your plants when you're out of town.I'm going to hold your hand in public. I'm going to kiss you in public. I'm going to organize surprise parties for you with your friend. I'm going to send a hundred texts per day with stupid online shit I think you should see.”

“He turned away, chest heaving. “I’m sorry.” His Adam’s apple moved. “I forget to look at other things, when you’re around.” “I’m sure I do the same.” I feel it, too.”

“I have Bruce.” “Bruce is a cat, Tish.”

“No one dies of a broken heart.”

“Eli was entranced. Her servant. Spellbound. He considered begging her to let him touch her. To let him go down on her in the hallway. He would go grocery shopping and make her dinner off a YouTube recipe of her choice. He'd wash her car, read her a book, sit here outside her door and just make sure she was safe and protected. They could hold hands all night. They could play Scrabble.”

“Whenever I’d imagined myself in a relationship, I’d envisioned an exhausting series of social niceties, facades to meticulously keep up, chitchat that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to produce even under duress.”

“What about romantic love?” Eli’s heart pounded, and he wasn’t sure why. “You think you could manage that?” he asked her. Asked them. “Maybe. Or maybe some people are too broken. Maybe…maybe things have happened in their lives, in their past, that have damaged them so bad, they’re never going to get happy endings with the loves of their lives.” She pulled up her knees and wrapped her arms around them. “Maybe some people are meant to be tragedies.”