Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex

“Attempting to indirectly get validation, reassurance, and other psychological fulfillment from sex - especially if we don't admit our agenda to ourselves or inform our partner - makes sex complicated, unpredictable, and a lot of work. We make it even harder on ourselves by creating narrow, rigid definitions of the satisfactions we seek; if "manliness" means always being erect regardless of fatigue, for instance, or "competent" means climaxing every time, sexual "success" will be frustratingly elusive.Perhaps this helps explain why you aren't focused on pleasure and closeness during sex. It's because you're also looking for something else, whether you know it or not. This also helps explain why so many people are sexually dissatisfied - because sex isn't delivering what they really want, in fact can't deliver what they want through genital excellence. And any psychological satisfaction you accidentally get doesn't stick to you ribs because it's indirect, unacknowledged, and fleeting.”

“What really matters in sex isn’t the things you can measure; it’s how people feel, which is a lot harder to explore, understand, measure, or fix.”

“When we don't accept ourselves, it's almost impossible to imagine someone else accepting us. Think about it - if you don't like your own cooking, can you imagine someone else enjoying it? If you think your're a boring person, do you believe someone who says you're fascinating?It's the same with sex. We need to accept ourselves - our bodies, our preferences, our experiences, the way we orgasm (or don't) - in order to imagine that our partner accepts or even celebrates us. Without self-acceptance, we're constantly on the defensive. Someone says you look great? You respond with an apology, defensiveness, or suspicion that you're being patronized.”

“For millions of men and women, "I didn't mess that up too badly" is as good as sex gets.”