System Collapse

Yeah, I'll just code a patch to stop feeling anxiety, wow, why didn't I think of that earlier. (That was sarcasm, I have too much organic neural tissue for that to work.) (Of course I've already tried it.)

You’re stalling, ART-drone said. I am not. I can stand here and be useless without any ulterior motives, thanks.

So the next time I get optimistic about something, I want one of you to punch me in the face.

Did I understand how it processed its emotions? No. But I don’t understand how I process my emotions, either.

I felt HostileSecUnit1 go into shutdown mode. It wasn’t dead, it was just catastrophically damaged. (I know, who isn’t?)

I lack a sense of proportional response. I don't advise engaging with me on any level.

Even before I hacked my governor module, I was upset when my coworkers shot me. I wasn’t surprised, but I was upset.

But since the thing that happened I don't think I've had an emotion that wasn't the visual equivalent of a wet blanket crumpled on the floor.

It should be reassuring that humans don’t get what other humans are thinking, either, but it just highlights how fucked up human neural tissue can be.

humans have a bad habit of assuming that if they know a thing, all the other humans in the vicinity know it, too. Either that or they believe none of the other humans know anything that they don’t know. It’s either one or the other and both are potentially catastrophic and really fucking annoying.

were part of the argument/discussion—call it the argucussion

I could have asked what “or worse” meant in this context but there was only so much I could take and I thought I’d hit my limit about, I don’t know, four years ago.

I’d watched a lot of humans watch or read all kinds of media, so I knew that when they didn’t talk and didn’t move much except to eat crunchy things out of bags, it was a good sign.

Ratthi sent me a glyph of a Preservation party sparkler exploding. I didn’t say anything. (I know I get pissed off when humans don’t acknowledge my work, but why is too much acknowledgment also upsetting? Sentience sucks.)

Humans are great at imagining stuff. That’s why their media is so good.

I said, “Have you done something that you feel you should be threatened for?” Yes, I knew it was a mistake, I knew it instantly, just not instantly enough to shut my fucking mouth. Seriously, I’m coding at least a two-second delay right now.

He got the vehicle started again and we proceeded down the stupid tunnel, into the stupid danger.

Iris was already out of the danger zone, walking backward so she could watch. “Be safe, SecUnit,” she said. I don’t know how to respond when humans say that. It was always my job to get hurt.

ART-drone said, Your attempts at emotional manipulation need work. But your point is taken.

The explorer had replied something to the effect that they didn’t mean to be intimidating and was the widdle academic transport crew scared, but in corporate speak, and ART had replied, It’s so easy for ships to disappear out here.

Bad things may not be more statistically possible but it sure seems like they are.

I know, I said. And I did know, and now I was having an emotion. Like a big overwhelming emotion. It felt bad but good, a weird combination of happy and sad and relieved, like something had been stuck and it wasn’t stuck anymore.

(For however many corporate standard years, all I got from humans was “Run in there now no matter how likely you are to get blown to tiny pieces when a quiet tactical approach has a higher percentage of success” and now it’s “Oh no we’re fine, we can hang out in this objectively terrifying immediately hazardous situation for however long.”) (I’m just saying that it would be nice for the humans to give me a realistic situation report for once.) (Dr. Bharadwaj says even good change is stressful.)

I am not meant to function without multiple simultaneous inputs. If this was what being a human was like, it sucked massively.

It wasn’t dead, it was just catastrophically damaged. (I know, who isn’t?)

(I asked because the humans would bug me for the information; I was as indifferent to human gender as it was possible to be without being unconscious.)

(Let’s face it, actual solid physical or visual evidence will often not change human minds.)

It’s fine. I’ll notify you immediately if I encounter any not-dead humans.” I was trying to lighten the mood but that one absolutely did not stick its landing.

Sentience sucks.)

Even good change is stressful. -Dr. Baradwaj